Harry Potter & the End of a Franchise
by Dani V
Summary: My satirical speculations on what the final Harry Potter book will be like. Spoilers gallore: don't read if you haven't already read all the other books!


Harry Potter and the End of a Multi-Million Dollar Marketing Franchise

by Danielle Viking

Author's Note: Please don't take this seriously. The name alone should tell you that this is a silly fic with silly things in it. I am in no way saying this is what will be happening: these are just my speculations. I, like 80 of HP fans, tore through the book in two days, and so may have missed some of the finer details. I have blatatnly disregarded Harry's statement at the end of Book 6 that he would not be going back to Hogwarts, because I believe he will be. If I offend anyone with this, I apologize ahead of time because that isn't my intention.

Possibly there was an enigmatic opening chapter, involving angst and oddness that would only be made clear in the last chapter of the book.

It was summer and the Dursleys were horrible as usual. Then Harry was rescued by the Weasleys, whose red hair alone put them in the 'Coolest Family in the World Top 10.' Some awkward time was spent around Ginny, and Harry probably yelled a lot at some point. There was at least one painful visit to Sirius's house, and another, more fun one, to Diagon Alley. In which the strange and mysterious occurrences involving the Malfoy's were kept to a bare minimum. (For everyone had had enough of that after books 2 and 6).

The train ride to Hogwart's was once again spent in the company of people much less cool than Ron and Hermione, who were no doubt snogging in the Prefect Carriage. Harry was huffy and anti-social for the ride; not even Luna could remain cheery in the face of so much angst.

The start-of-year feast was presided over by the new Headmaster/mistress, who was in no way anything _like_ as cool as Dumbledore. Considering that the last two Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers thoroughly stunk, the new one was quite nice. She/he even shared one or two inspiring and uplifting quotes with the class.

Quidditch figured very little into that year, as Harry had far bigger fish to fry than a little gold ball. However, there was the one obligatory match, which Gryffindor of course won.

The trio felt lonely without Draco to focus all their hate on (because he obviously wasn't coming back to school) and so instead griped about the evils of Snape and chucked the occasional insult at the new Headmaster.

Ginny had three options as far as her love life went:

1. Stay Single

2. Get back with Harry

3. Date Goyle

Happily, being the stubborn woman that she was, she choose 2. There was only the occasional row between her and The Boy Who Was Angsty.

Hermione and Ron got on rather well, because cat fights have no place in a book with a big 7 on the front.

Around this time, the Sirius fandom finally got it through their heads that he was NOT COMING BACK, and went to go pout and write more fanfiction.

Without Dumbledore, the War went downhill, and minor characters died left and right. After betraying the Order to Voldie, Mundungus Fletcher was _Avada_ _Kedavra_'d before he could say 'shoddy criminal.'

After a (hopefully) not entirely predictable school-year, Harry and Voldemort had their big showdown, which Harry won. After all, what would be the point of writing seven books if you're just going to kill the main character off at the end?

However, someone major died in a heartrending tear jerker scene, which left all sensible people grabbing Kleenex's like there was no tomorrow.

Then there was a moving scene at the end, somewhat akin to Scarlet O'Hara's "Tomorrow is another day," speech; only totally different and the acting wasn't as bad. The fans then closed their books, cursing JKR for killing off Ron/Hermione/Whoever and hurried off to go post spoilers all over the internet.

Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling retired to Ireland (okay, so she already did that) to rake in the money and cackle over her astounding success. Every now and again, she'd publish another, non-HP related book, which became an instant bestseller which the fandom devoured with glee. But nothing ever seemed to satisfy the burning desire for more Harry Potter!


End file.
